Made true to canon 29 Jan 2006

Gregor and Prince Serg

While Miles was away on Escobar, after the assassination attempt, Gregor connected his rage at Barrayar to something crucial. His own father, whom he'd barely known and whose presence in Barrayaran history was nearly disappeared, had a complicated life that was, privately, well outside Barrayaran norms.

One of the things that had made Gregor run from Komarr, to escape Barrayar, ten years before -- and thrust him into the arms of Cavilo, and from there into a deep admiration for Miles that quickly became something unexpected, unwanted at first, but now essential to his sanity -- was a gift from the Escobarans.

Before he'd gone to Komarr for diplomatic negotiations with the Escobarans, they had let him know that they were returning a large container of items picked up in their space sweeps after the Escobar War ended, 20 years before. These things were described as "personal effects of Barrayaran soldiers." Gregor had recognized this for a diplomatic gift, and of course the only thing to be done was to accept it. He'd decided to bring a team of Imperial archivists to Komarr to catalog it all and start the process of returning what could be returned to the long-dead Barrayaran soldiers' families.

Prince Serg Vorbarra, Gregor's father, had been killed in battle during the Escobar War. But Gregor never expected that among the "personal effects" would be a small wooden box that had belonged to his father.

An archivist had brought it to him, just before another diplomatic dinner with the Escobaran delegation. The man had looked haunted as he passed the box to Gregor, saying, "I believe, Sire, that this was your father's. As a team, we decided that it was too, ah, sensitive to be cataloged, and that it should be brought to you."

After the man had left, Gregor had opened the box, and sunk to the floor in shock. Inside were three mummified human fetuses, and three detailed, handwritten accounts of their demise authored by Prince Serg. Gregor had been stunned by the sexuality contained in these writings, especially the insane pleasure Serg had taken in cutting the fetuses from their screaming, writhing (and hopefully shortly thereafter dead) mothers.

There was also a letter from Ges Vorrutyer, his father's confidante and sexual instructor. In this letter, Ges urged Serg to leave Kareen -- pregnant with Gregor -- alone. Ges rationalized that while Serg's future "partners" would lack Kareen's status, if he attacked Kareen, there would be no future partners. And Ges promised to supply Serg with recently impregnated young women, as many as Serg desired, if he'd only give up pursuing this terrible fantasy of Kareen at his mercy.

These things were so horrible and yet so fascinating, and they had shattered the image Gregor had of his father as a distant hero. He had realized then that the people who had surrounded him and cared for him after his parents' deaths, Aral and Cordelia Vorkosigan in particular, had left out so much about his father. He knew enough of the Vorbarra family history to know that of all the Vor, they had been the most powerful -- and also had produced the insanity responsible for much of Barrayar's bloody history, and he carried their legacy in his genes. Gregor had wondered how long it would take until his own impulses revealed themselves through a similar perversion; he already knew that his sexual inclinations were not the sort allowed of Emperors, or indeed almost any Barrayaran, at least not publicly.

Late that night, back in his rooms, when he'd had far too much to drink and the weight of his discovery and all its implications was crushing him, he'd nearly killed himself. By sheer chance, he'd turned his fall into a scrambling descent, and survived and walked away from the life he'd been assigned, and it was nearly as good as he thought dying would have been -- at least at first.

Finding Miles out there had been a sheer stroke of luck. If he'd found anyone else first, he wasn't sure that he would have stayed (relatively) sane. He'd had the occasional fantasy about Miles, but at 25, he was young enough to believe in his duty to the Imperium over all else. Even putting aside all sense of personal honor in order to bed Cavilo had been done as a service to the Imperium; there was no pleasure that was solely his in the act. When he'd walked up to the business end of the laser cannon Miles and Elena controlled, he'd been awash with desire for Miles. Not gratitude, but pure, deep lust that was, in fact, not the slightest bit Imperial.

A few weeks later, returned to Barrayar and as sure of himself as he'd ever been, Gregor had invited Miles for lunch, not to share his secrets -- for he knew Miles wouldn't accept them, then -- but for the simple pleasure of a meal with the person who was inspiring him towards taking control of the Imperium for his own. The conversation they'd had at that meal, while occasionally lighthearted, was etched into Gregor's brain as the turning point in his reign, the thing that had convinced him that if Miles believed in him, he could believe in himself. And a talk with Cordelia Vorkosigan, a week or so later, had filled in the details about his father, and made it clear to him that had she been able to act on her own, she would never have kept Serg's history a secret from him.

Now, with Miles threatened once again, Gregor sought the box he'd been given on Komarr, which he'd packed away at the back of his closet. He was full of remorse over Miles' almost-assassination -- after all it was his fault for sending Miles away in the first place -- and needed to remind himself of just where he came from. He didn't trust that the simple wonder he felt at having finally declared himself to Miles wasn't a sign of his Vorbarra genes starting to play out their legacy of madness.

He found the box, and Ges's letter. He focused on the final 2 paragraphs.

At the very least, you must let K deliver your son and nourish him for some months. Perhaps when you resume relations with her, things will be different. Perhaps your father will be... gone. You know from great experience that we could make off with K and no one would ever be wiser -- but not until she produces your heir.

Your passion is enormous, larger than the Imperium, larger than the universe for that matter. But dear Serg, you want the Imperium more than anything -- and you must work around your madness, your rage, your inferno. The Imperium will certainly reward you, in its time.

Gregor thought back to his dance with Patricia Vordovan and wondered if... had his father sublimated his own inclinations into rage against the women who represented all the constraints Barrayar had put on him? Or was Serg just a madman? Gregor sank into himself, into the space in his mind he'd left open for Miles for so long now. What would happen to him if Miles said no?

At the same time, he vowed, silently and in memory of his father, that whatever Miles' answer, he would make a Barrayar that would work for whatever other young men faced this dilemma. It would be his own deeply personal legacy to the Imperium.